Classy

Newly appointed Obama White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel's father proves that once in (pre-state Jewish terrorist group) Etzel means always in Etzel:

In an interview with Ma'ariv, Emanuel's father, Dr. Benjamin Emanuel, said he was convinced that his son's appointment would be good for Israel. "Obviously he will influence the president to be pro-Israel," he was quoted as saying. "Why wouldn't he be? What is he, an Arab? He's not going to clean the floors of the White House."

Saudi styling in Bnei Brak

Faces of women in movie ads? An abomination! Good thing the morality police took care of the issue:


That's actually not funny at all.

Yesh Matzav, friends in the news

http://www.ynet.co.il/articles/0,7340,L-3618185,00.html

May God bless and keep the Czar,

far away from us! Jewish history education, Boneh style: Sculpting the shtetl.

This chocolate spread-smeared bamba represents my great-grandmother, raising chickens to support my great-grandfather's Torah study:

And here we see the role of Yiddish in the shtetl:

Gezundheit.

Sexy officially back on Egged buses

One great thing about Israel for my sense of humor is the kibbutz galuyot, the ingathering of the exiles. For example: If Zionism had never instituted that principle, how would I have ever learned what old Ethiopian men and JT have in common?

Items found in new apartment

At the meeting point of tradition and modernity:


L'chayyim!

Tel Aviv in the kingdom of the spirit

Yom Kippur scenes:

Kikar Rabin #1



Kikar Rabin #2



Shuk Hacarmel



Rothschild Boulevard


"Lettuce is murder"

odd choice of words

BBC: "Iran unveils plan for women's car".

באופי שלך

Attention hip, young, good-looking consumers.

Do you like to dance? Does your hair fly around as you move to the beat?



Do you have an ipod? Do you drink milkshakes? Do you enjoy babies? And graphic design?




If these symbols signify a demographic you want to be considered part of -
Meretz is your in!
Vote yourself cool. Vote Meretz in municipal elections.

Pulse and gait

From the New York Times travel section:

But if the intermingling of many different kinds of people is what gives Tel Aviv its pulse, it’s the clash of old and new that still gives this city its surprising and slightly uneven gait...

Tel Aviv is “half Iran, half California; it’s a synagogue meets a sushi bar,” ... filled with impossibly good-looking 20-something surfers and hipsters...

Not to toot my own horn, but the themes of this article would probably most perfectly be illustrated by my snap of this Migdal Hameah shopper:

Living a holy life

I'm not religious, so it's less relevant, but I know someone who could really use this:

Gay shul's siddur features prayer for 'unexpected intimacy' (JTA)

Send that link to Moshe Katzav. Or just put it up in his office for the employees...

sheikh mate: the herb for leaders

Lebanese Druze jefe, Walid Jumblatt drinking yerba mate (apparently)

We don't pitch on Yawm Kipper

Haaretz learns about Jewish history from the Coen Brothers:

"However in 1965, Koufax's team, the Los Angeles Dodgers, played the Minneapolis Twins in the World Series, and the game was scheduled for the afternoon of October 6, which also happened to be Yom Kippur. As the team's best pitcher, Koufax was asked to pitch the first game. Koufax refused. He informed the team's management that he did not pitch on Yom Kippur. That refusal has turned out to be the single greatest moment of Kiddush Hashem (Sanctification of the Name) in American history, so much so that in the movie The Big Lebowski, actor John Goodman could say, 'three thousand years of beautiful tradition: from Moses to Sandy Koufax.'"

Caucasus Table Reports

During the height of this summer's Caucasian crisis, the Russian Foreign Minister responded to the British Foreign Secretary's demands by asking, "Who the fuck are you to lecture me?"

Apparently, someone. Foreign Secretary David Miliband is the grandson of a Red Army vet and the son of a leading Marxist. Who knew?

Wouldn't it be great if we had a Secretary of State (or Foreign Minister in Israel, for that matter) with such illustrious parentage? Screw Black Republicans and the Irgun, gimme more Jewish commies.

The mirth of tabrets ceaseth

Continuing from last Wednesday's post, the BBC has brought us a much fuller and more interesting account of the kosher music patrol. They've even printed the rules; unsurprisingly, there are ten in number.

My favorite is #4:
"The use of percussion accompaniment in slow, quiet music is generally ridiculous"

Apparently, inspired by Isaiah 24:8.

The day that changed everything

As always, Tom Segev tells it like it is:

"Everyone also spoke about the patriotism that had swept America, a clear expression of insecurity and a conservative attempt to hold on to the values of the past. I remember a large American flag that was hung above the entrance to one of the last sex shops that still survived in New York. Most of those shops have since disappeared, one reason being that porn today is purchased via the Internet; in the past seven years the Web has changed the lives of far more people than did the attack on the World Trade Center. "

Thanks Al Gore. If only you could have been president...maybe we wouldn't have had 9/11 in the first place. True.

Ridiculous

Was airport security screaming "Dance, boy, dance!" in Southern accents? Ugh, I want to vomit at the thought.

Meanwhile, the Pensioners' Party is planning to go abduct Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Eichmann-style, yo), a sitting democratically-elected president, and send him to the Hague for a trial. I doubt they'll take him.

Stories like these make me think even "a nation like all the others" is overly idealistic.

Disclaimer

I know it's fucked up to joke about these things, but I just want to state clearly that the infanticidal mother currently gracing the front pages of Israeli newspapers is not me:

Das Goyenthum in der Musik

The Jerusalem Post reports that a Bnei Barak NGO, the Guardians of Sanctity and Education is formulating a series of guidelines to "add transparency to the delineation between acceptable or 'kosher' Jewish music and forbidden or 'treif' music." Senior member Mordechai Bloi that "Bach or Beethoven, music with class" is kosher. The treif list includes:

• 2-4 beats
• rock and disco
• 'improper' use of bass, guitar, and saxophone
• profaning sacred texts
• mixing of milk and meat instruments
  

In response to a growing number of Haredi pop-style musical acts, the ultra-est of the ultra-Orthodox declare: "We want to protect ourselves from what we see as negative foreign influences. We are trying to maintain our own authentic music styles...stay(ing) loyal to our roots."

Compare to 1850, Richard Wagner wrote:
The Jews could never take possession of this art, until that was to be exposed in it which they now demonstrably have brought to light— its inner incapacity for life. So long as the separate art of Music had a real organic life-need in it, down to the epochs of Mozart and Beethoven, there was nowhere to be found a Jew composer: it was impossible for an element entirely foreign to that living organism to take part in the formative stages of that life. Only when a body's inner death is manifest, do outside elements win the power of lodgment in it—yet merely to destroy it. Then indeed that body's flesh dissolves into a swarming colony of insect-life: but who, in looking on that body's self would hold it still for living?"

Threat to world peace? Oompa Loompa?

Haaretz front page photo asks you to decide for yourself:

Hell hath no fury like an Islamist scorned

Fatah delegation fails to show up at scheduled meeting with Ismail Haniyeh, exacerbating tensions between warring Palestinian factions. 'We thought that they sought reconciliation and dialogue but it turned out they had other goals,' says scorned Hamas

Abu Mazin's such a heartbreaker. Mrs Abbas reports her husband was too occupied to meet with Haniyeh (pictured, dismayed). Too busy washing his hair.

Oh yes, oh yes

And it's just the headline:

Gadaffi: We fear Israel may kill Barack Obama just as it did JFK

Reality Zionism

I don't know where to begin. Aliyah as a reality show...

* why not a more halutzic version? It would be like Survivor, but draining the swamps instead of being castaways...
* if the show goes into a second season, will it be more socialist in orientation?
* suggestion: find one or two participants from Middle Eastern countries brought against their will, and make sure some of the Jewishness of the FSU people is questionable
* perhaps it will be like the contest reality shows, where the character/contestants compete over who learns the most Hebrew
* make sure the apartment where the the eight olim live is next to an Arab family and create some tension between the two groups - maybe get some raids going on (gotta have me'ora'ot!)
* in order to depict reality, the show is going to have to fall short on its rewards

Any to add?

Not the safest driving:















Are these the Fergie original, or the Alanis cover?

golden oldies

Ehud Barak meet with his cousin HosniMu in Sharm al-Sheikh for talks about Hamas and hashish.

Fadicha!

Oops, the super awesome military embarassed itself a tad when showing off its super awesomeness:

Eight people were injured - two seriously, one moderately and five lightly - when a paratrooper mistakenly parachuted into the stands where spectators were seated during an Independence Day air show along Tel Aviv's Jerusalem beach on Thursday.

Also great was when the air show announcer said the airplane sounds were not noise but "the music of independence". I heard independence means you have fancy weapons! Yeah!

Ayatollah Magorium's Islamic Emporium

An Iranian official is launching a campaign against Western toys. "Undoubtedly," says Prosecutor General Ghorban Najafabadi, "the personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages."

As you can imagine, the Western media is having a field day with this. Nevermind though that yesterday's Washington Post ran a piece exclaiming how an American TV show toppled the Soviet Union. After all, "popular culture...is every bit as important as chin-stroking politics in fomenting real social change". The article goes on to point out other examples of "throwaway cultural products influence far-flung cultures in ways that are impossible to predict or control".

For example, you'll see the effects of Dungeons and Dragons on the Iranian constitution when Najafabadi's letter is discussed by the Council of Guardians or the Assembly of Experts...

Free Tibet (Made in China)

Check the label.

It's like when I bought my Israeli flag from a Syrian...

unless you've been living under a rock

Wondering why Hillary won't drop out already, Barack Obama tries to convince her with baby face...

and enlists blonde baby at diner bar, irate at lack of results (and milk shake).

Thou blind Pharisee

1950: Law of Return rules "every Jew" has the right to move to Israel

1962: Supreme Court rules Jews who convert to other religions forfeit their aliyah rights

1970: Amendment to Law of Return extends aliyah rights to the children, grandchildren, spouses, and spouses of children and granchildren of Jews

This just in from the Supreme Court: Converts to other religions can make aliyah if they are children, grandchildren, spouses, or spouses of children and grandchildren of Jews (ref. 1970), only if they are not the offspring of Jewish mothers.

Take that, Walt and Mearsheimer!

Canadian Gregory Levey relates his experience voting in the UN for Israel in Salon. It's fascinating (and disturbing), have a read:

I knew that Israel usually voted along with the Americans, its closest ally and supporter. And since there were no Israelis around to tell me what to do, I figured that I might as well just ask the Americans....

"Um, yeah," I said, drawing out my words awkwardly and almost stuttering. "I'm, uh, representing  Israel at this meeting...I just wanted to know if you would mind telling me how you guys were going to vote."

...he whispered, "We're voting no."

Our huddle broke then, and I fought the urge to give the American diplomats a high-five.

Clash of Congregations

"Israeli police had to break up a fist fight that erupted between Greek and Armenian Orthodox clergymen at one of Christianity's holiest sites. The scuffles broke out at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem on Orthodox Palm Sunday...When police arrived to break up the fight, some were reportedly beaten back by worshippers using palm fronds."

Don't you guys have big enough accounts to settle with the Turks than to be fighting eachother...with leaves!?!?

Hmm

Haaretz:

Police on Monday afternoon arrested a 27-year-old yeshiva student for undressing in a Bat Yam supermarket, wearing only a sock to cover his genitals, to protest a recent controversial court ruling which permitted the sale of chametz in some businesses.

Uhhh... ok.

core-rcion values

It is not very often that we at YeshMatzav will criticize a liberal Haaretz writer for saying the kinds of callous and ridiculous statements that usually are blogworthy. Please check the skies tonight where you are for a blue moon or flying pigs.

Commenting on the hametz debate, Yair Sheleg gives "a resounding yes to prohibiting commerce on the Sabbath or the sale of chametz during Pesach". Sheleg is clearly going for shock value, but he crosses the line. The main argument is that certain Jewish religious laws have become defining cultural practices among "even completely secular Israelis" and that as such are "core values deserving of legal protection".

However, the factual inaccuracy, poverty of logic, and implications of religious coercion that are saturated within Sheleg's argument are not the reason for this posting. The inciting remark is when Sheleg asserts "if there were no core values deserving of legal protection, then there would be no basis for destroying the grand monument in Kiryat Arba to Baruch Goldstein, who in 1994 massacred 29 Arab worshipers in Hebron." Really? How about that the sanctity of human life and prevention of genocidal murder might be more "core" than a Biblical injunction against consuming animals who don't ruminate? More importantly, a monument to a hate criminal is incitement to further hate crimes. It's not baloney!

ביעור חמץ

Wikipedia:

Bi'ur: burning one's chametz. All appropriate methods of destruction are included in this category. On the night preceding the 14th of Nisan, a formal search of the house known as bedikat chametz ("search for chametz") is conducted by candlelight. The chametz found in this search is burned the next morning in a formal bi'ur ceremony.

Haaretz on Shas, without any explanations:

Minister of Religious Services Yitzhak Cohen (Shas) announced yesterday that he plans to appeal a Jerusalem court decision allowing grocery stores, restaurants and pizzerias to sell chametz (leavened bread) on Passover.

"The court must rule on what it knows, and not halakha (Jewish religious law). The court's ruling points a gun to the head of the Jewish people," he said. We must get rid of the court like we get rid of chametz, he added.

Is that funny? I don't think so. But what the heck.

בשתן וצואה יהודה תקום

The shit hits the fan, literally.

YNet's Back Pages

"As it is said: one thousand Arabs are not worth even one yeshiva boy," says former Sephardic Chief Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu to grieving students at the Mercaz HaRav Yeshiva. Of course, there is nothing new in inciting and racist statements by former Sephardic chief rabbis...

What is interesting though is that this Eliyahu quote was the front page story on the Hebrew YNet site, but not found at all on the English site. No way, such a Shonde fur die Goyim is too Ashkenazic for the Shas voters!

(crack)pot to kettle: "you're black"

Right-wing Dutch MP Geert Wilders is about to set his country afire. His upcoming film Fitna which portrays Islam as Nazism has already provoked threats from Islamists against the Netherlands. Many commentators see the potential of a blowup bigger than that of the Danish cartoons affair of two years ago. Geerts is unapologetic; he isn't hating on Muslims, just pointing out that their "Islamic ideology is a retarded and dangerous one."

Yep. Retarded. Thus the already fragile European-Muslim relationship is endangered by a bleached hair freak using middle school insults against other people's cultures. Good thing he's not calling them "gay"...

Schadenfreude

Far-Right MK Arieh Eldad "can't bear the thought of hearing German in the Knesset...the language my grandparents were murdered in."

What's next? Is he going to boycott McCain's visit because he can't bear hearing the language his crazy Stern Gang father was arrested in? Why not ban Yiddish, it's a dialect of German after all? My grandparents were pogrom-ed in Russian, should I never go to the doctor lest my ears be polluted?

I assume Pig Latin would certainly be out of the question. Now is that because it's aif-tray or it's the language the Emple-tay was destroyed in?

"Some of my best friends are black"

My amateur ethnographic research has recently started showing evidence that, at this point in time, every male in the greater middle east has a Soulja Boy ringtone. But then Haaretz brought this moving personal interest tidbit on the son of an assassinated Beit Lehem man who had allegedly been an Islamic Jihad activist:

Instead of a Britney Spears ring tone, Shehadeh Shehadeh's cell phone emits a recording of a speech by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah.

Call that guy up! But wait, there's more. Mr. Shehadeh also wants you to know he's not just a blanket anti-Semite:

"Some Jews are all right and my father valued them, like Neturei Karta," he conceded, referring to a fringe ultra-Orthodox sect that is rabidly anti-Zionist. "But most Jews are the enemy."

Tell it like it is

Yesh Matzav's favorite חברת כנסת in action:

Where was Yachimovich? She was promoting a bill in the Knesset Constitution, Law and Justice Committee to increase funding to parties that put women on their lists. Yachimovich said she not only wants talented women in the Knesset, but also mediocre women who resemble many of the men there.

Is this real?

Ynet has more on the Knesset's dignified deliberations:

The fierce argument in the plenum broke out following an agenda proposal levied by Hadash Chairman MK Mohammad Barakeh relating to the escalating violence in southern Israel. Barakeh noted that he is a Palestinian who was born in a Galilee village that has now been utterly demolished.

“Then why don’t you leave this country and go live with your Palestinian brothers,” replied Yisrael Beiteinu Chairman Avigdor Lieberman.

“Why don’t you go back to where you came from, you impudent immigrant," Barakeh retorted. "Israel’s quest to protect its citizens is understandable and legitimate, but not at the cost of mass genocide involving children. Force is the only solution, however, envisioned by fascist, racist leaders of a failed political party," he added.

Yes!!! Give me more.

MK Ahmad Tibi (United Arab List-Ta'al) retorted that “there wasn’t an Arab MK that did not condemn attacks on Israeli citizens, however one cannot compare the mass panic in Sderot to the slaughter of innocent children, which is a war crime.”

“I will not remain silent when traitors speak in the Israeli Knesset,” said MK Rotem, to which Tibi replied “I hold you and your friends in contempt. You are members of a fascist party which thrives on blood. You get an immense adrenaline rush every time you hear a Palestinian speak and express his point of view.”

Oh, burn!

Politicians, or statesmen?

So much dignity in the Knesset:

Tempers flared Wednesday during Knesset plenary session when National Union MK Effie Eitam told Arab MKs that "one day we will expel you from this house, and from the national home of the Jewish people."

I wonder why tempers flared? It's hard to see. Who would get mad about that?

Balad Chairman MK Jamal Zahalka heckled him in turn: "You're a madman, a miserable character, a racist," and was ejected from the debate.

Sounds like Zahalka's a little sensitive... Of course, natives often have difficulty controlling their passions. Who else got testy about such a harmless little dig?

"He advocates the expulsion of Israeli citizens," [MK] El-Sana said. "Eitam belong in history's garbage can."

Ok, good line. Eitam, your rebuttal?

Eitam said in response that he did not call to expel the Israeli Arab community entirely, only Arab MKs and those who participated in Tuesday's rally.

Oh ok. Phew! Good save.

guess who's still alive

Jerusalem Post reports: "Family quietly marks comatose leader's birthday; says occasion marred by son's impending incarceration."

Yeah, like it's Omri's getting locked up that is marring Papa Arik's 80th...

Shas files, tectonic edition

Yesh Matzav's favorite Knesset faction keeps it classy:

The recent earthquake that was felt across Israel was the result of the "homosexual activity practiced in the country", Knesset Member Shlomo Benizri said Wednesday.

Ynet.

A little awkward in your Haaretz classifieds

Bank if required?

Yeesh. Shot not.

גברותיי ורבותיי, מהפך

During his historic 1977 visit to Jerusalem, late Egyptian President Anwar Sadat was pampered in the city's luxurious King David Hotel. A recent visit to the hotel shows that Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin also booked a room. Can you imagine how awkward it was at the check-in desk?

Begin: Shalom, My wife and I have a reservation in the penthouse suite.

Clerk: Name please?

Begin: Begin - Menachem and Aliza.

Clerk: Okay, let me check my list...ah, yes, Mr. Begin...there's a bit of a problem...

Begin: Yes?

Clerk: Well, we aren't allowed to rent you the penthouse suite.

Begin: Did that Boutros Boutros Boutros fellow already take it?

Clerk: No, it's not that...

Begin: Well, we have a reservation! This is an outrage! Let me speak with the management!

Clerk: Sir, it's exactly that: the management think you pose a security threat to our hotel.

Begin: A security threat?! How is that possible, you already have staying here the man who brought this country on the brink of annihilation just four years ago...

Clerk: Indeed, but President Sadat he didn't blow up this hotel!

Yesh Matzav's outrage on encountering the apartheid wall, apparently aka "the dumb wall"

In a Borat accent:

"High Five!"

A little treif, but hard to resist.

All in the Family

While the world is wondering who killed Imad Mughniya in Damascus on Tuesday night, a Queens dock worker named Archibald Bunker is laughing. Archie, as he is known by most, has fooled everyone: getting the world to think a terrorist was killed, when it was really his pesky Polak son-in-law, Mike "Meathead" Stivic.

One look at this AP photo and this still of Meathead portrayer Rob Reiner as "rockumentarian" Marty DiBergi in This Is Spinal Tap says it all:




Which one is now reposing with seventy virgins?

I'd like to be under the sea

In the wake of the death of Hizbullah commander Imad Mughniya, Hamas has called on Arabs and Muslims around the world "to act decisively against the Zionist octopus". This is not the first time that either Jews or Israelis to mollusks (here the cover of is a book called al-Ukhtubut al-Sihyuni - the Zionist Octopus), it goes back to grand old European antisemitic notions about international Jewish conspiracies. However, in the wake of sixty years of hearing about "Zionist gangs", "the Zionist entity", "Zionist occupiers", and "Zionist terrorists", it should somewhat refreshing to be called after the most intellegient invertebrate.

The Zionist-as-octopus motif might have something to it. The Octopus is a clever hunter, can adapt well to its surroundings, and can survive even after losing limbs. After all, isn't the whole idea of Zionism for the Jews to have a garden paradise "below the storm, in a little hideaway beneath the waves...knowing that they're happy and they're safe...with no one there to tell (them) what to do." There you are: one hundred and twenty years of Zionist ideology boiled down to one song off Abbey Road.

Pieces of flair

New York Times today:

Iran’s top leaders still define themselves in large measure by their opposition to the United States. The supreme leader is still the Guardian of the Revolution. The clerics who lead Friday Prayer still keep one hand on a weapon as they preach. Revolutionary identity and anti-Americanism remain inseparable…

Ok, so that's awesome. Tell me more:

“Everyone here is thirsting for American brands, it’s that simple,” said Mehdi Mortazavi, who is helping create Friday’s, a restaurant in Tehran. The sign out front looks just like a T.G.I. Friday’s in the States, with red and white stripes. But the “T.G.I.F.” was dropped because Thursday is the last day of the work week here, and the reference to “God” might not have gone over well. But there will be waiters with suspenders decorated with buttons, Cobb Salad and hamburgers on the menu.

The Islamic Republic is a good fucking time.

Oriental gaze in the sports section

Actual caption: Egyptian fans. Enjoying comfort in Ghana.

Caption Yisrael Hayom considered, then rejected: It's the Edward Said fan of the game!

Tzphoney

So we live in north Tel Aviv, a hotbed of wealthy leftists. Meir Yaari Street, named for the founder of the far-left Kibbutz Artzi federation and the pro-USSR Mapam party, runs not far from our house in north Tel Aviv, flanked by luxury condos on both sides. Then there’s the mall where we do our grocery shopping:

“Coming towards us from the opposite direction was a sleek new gray Jaguar with Amman license plates. The driver was wearing a double-breasted blue blazer with an ascot tucked into the open collar of his shirt, and his female passenger had "big hair" and carefully-applied red lipstick.

I rapped Gal's helmet with my knuckles and shouted into his ear, "Did you see that?! That was a car from Jordan!"

"Oh yeah," he shouted nonchalantly, "Rich Jordanians drive over all the time. They stay at the Dan Panorama [a five-star hotel] and go shopping at the new mall in Ramat Aviv."”

Sometimes while biking through I like to imagine what Meir Yaari would say about the boulevard named in his honor. Today’s guess: “Look at these yuppies with their high-tech jobs, pure-bread puppies, and SUVs. They don’t even hire the proletarian ‘new Jew’ from the other side of the Yarqon to clean their houses or walk their parents (?!); they bring in people from Arab villages and who knows where in southeast Asia!” Except old Meir might say Indochina…

***

The good news is that it’s impossible for us to be gentrifying a neighbourhood like this. In Ramat Aviv, young, creative types like us are more likely to be decreasing the neighbours’ property value. Forget being Bohemian in Florentine. We’re living the true revolutionary lifestyle—nudging the bourgeois out of Tel Aviv’s upper west side.

Or maybe we’re just full of shit?